What is to be done?

 

 I came across the title "what is to be done?" in 2009. That was the time when I had started getting influenced by the left (communism). The influence was because I wanted to change the things around. This was the title of the book written by Nikolay Chernyshevsky, who influenced Lenin to write a pamphlet with the same name. I tried reading and understanding it. I remember not being able to relate well to the contents, being applicable to a different time and space. I remember telling myself that the working class of our country is still not at that level to bring “the revolution”. Another time, I remember me reading a book on Cultural Revolution in china by Mao tse-tung. I was looking at such a different perspective of life and the importance of arts & culture. That was the time my mind really started opening up. It was so chaotic that I would sometimes literally ask myself “what the hell am I thinking and doing?” The scientific and industrial revolution triggered creation of efficient and much more productive machines, creating what we have known as capitalism due to private ownership of these machines. I was studying electrical engineering at college, studying the very machines and the most commercial energy form of energy, electricity. But the same capitalism reduced the worth of other things like property and natural agriculture and the lower classes were forced into wage slavery for survival! And then emerged the science of emancipation of the working classes and hence a series of –isms- Marxism, Maoism, Naxalism and what not! These related to the broader social aspects. Hence my training at college was not just about engineering but also areas alike “science and development”, philosophy, psychology, sociology! I was fortunate to not have had a narrow development area!! And then I started learning music too!

      I had never before thought about what I need to do! In college, I had decided to change things!! I was inspired by people like Bhagat Singh. But today I realize something important I was doing at that time. I was being impatient. I was a leftist before knowing anything about the theory and practice. Hardly had I understood the world around. And with just that wish I had attached myself to something I didn’t understand. I had attached myself with the idea of liberating the lower classes! So many things happened and I started realizing the wastefulness of my actions. I began realizing that I was not what I showed to be! I was disturbed by my own desires and didn’t understand what to do about them.  And I started talking to myself and spirituality was the next area of exploration. And then for some time I was literally escaping everything and just enjoying. And then suddenly I was placed in a company and was working and I asked myself, have I left the cause I once stood for, the emancipation of the lower class!! Yes I had. I had no clue about what is to be done! The whole education process didn’t equip me with an understanding about the world around. Neither had it helped me have the practical skills I needed. All it helped me was to secure a seat in an engineering college.

   And one fine day I got ready for the job- training session in Mumbai. I heard somebody from the corporate office say,” it is our heart which wants to do something and out brain gathers and creates logic to satisfy them” it was like a big blow. My understanding crumbled down. But then I started enjoying the lunch! Later at night I realized the truth in the statement! I was just satisfying my heard. I was never sure about what I should do!

And then I came closer to music and started reading and “learning” again. And then I realized what I didn’t have to do- the job. And I resigned in few months. I joined masters later! But the question that remains is “what is to be done?” I still don’t claim to have cracked it! Probably this keeps evolving. But having done all the mistakes, I can say that now I see that “how is it to be done?”

  The world today is so connected and you can find almost everything online and there are opportunities to try out different things! There is a need to explore extensively! But 2 things stand in its way:

a.       The external systems which want us to follow specific career paths

b.      The internal confusion (being literate but uneducated), desires and ego

When I managed to break free from the external boundaries, I felt as if I am all free and I have been living, believing that! Music was and remains my passion but impatience has again disturbed the real progress. Ego has stopped me seeing the beauty of music because I kept seeing myself. And there was nobody to understand and set that process right. It seems that nobody bothers to understand-what is to be done! Everybody clings to what comes one’s way and one keeps ridiculing others! There are so many divisions today. The Marxists are of so many types contradicting each other! The classical musician blames the semi-classical or the film music artist to have diluted the essence of music and they blame classical musicians to have focused too much on theory n mathematics than connecting with the people. I remember the same lines- our heart wants to do something and our brain develops logic for the same! We are so much into clinging with ideologies, people and things and blaming others. And that was my first understanding that one should be himself/herself and not following blindly! Don’t give your control in the hands of others just because you have been failing in directing your life! You are the master and you have to take charge. A real guru is needed but in the end you have to be the ultimate judge of the guru because only when you are convinced and inspired can you learn! It is easy being impatient and doing thing just for the sake of it and to show-off. The second understanding was that both internal and external freedom is necessary! We can’t ignore happiness and internal peace but that has to be augmented by fulfilling our external responsibilities. Patience can never come when we are narrow-minded. My third understanding was to look at life as a whole till death, as if preparing life for death. This helps to drop out things which don’t matter! Patience comes then and ways are formed.

       With so much information around, it’s important to have a process! Whatever the case may be, one would have some inclinations (like music and sociology for me). I have failed to understand and master all random areas I picked up. Also I have not been able to drop my wish to do music and understand and better the world around (to serve). My fourth understanding was to give importance to the voice from within and patiently give our life for that, using the best resources and methods!

      After lot of ups and downs, I felt peace in love and nothing else. Even music came after love. Love is the source of life. I had tried to be the master but love is the real master!! I bowed to it and I found happiness. But love demands a lot. And love is not just limited to a person. It encompasses humanity and that includes her, my parents and music. Now I could relate to the diversity out there and the diversity of my thoughts. Helping out somebody became a source of my happiness. I hence had to undo the bad competitiveness inside me. I stopped running and could see the oneness of everything and yet the diverse nature. I realized that when I am sad, I wish to be happy and nothing else matters at that time. The last understanding hence, came earlier but it’s the most important one of my life. It goes like this “I am going to think and do something that isn’t just a mental or physical exercise but which really solves my problems and makes me a better and happy person”. This is based on the understanding that I would be able to do anything good when I am clear and happy!!

  We might assign subjective meanings to life but the truth shall remain truth. The “what” of our lives would be different but the “how” should be love, which starts from loving ourselves!