a loser or a winner? part 5 CAN LIFE BE PERFECT?

mahatma budha said that life is about balancing. but humans are characterised by huge imbalances both inside and outside I.e. both psychological and social. some of us live in luxury while many toil endlessly. personally a human is becoming more tense, insecure and confused. he is possessing things but still not knowing what to do with the "success". he has to maintain a body. majority can't do that while the "lucky" ones are over-feeding themselves. what an imbalance! at the spirtual level, we almost don't develop ourselves depending more on outside powers. while we have a body we also have a soul.the soul resides in the body n body is lifeless without the soul. mahatma budha said that the only way to end this inner n outer crisis is to end desire. I feel great significance here. we humans who are already great as souls, become involved in process of becoming something ignoring our real self. I don't write this a saint ! I write this being a believer that life is worth living and we deserve to be happy!
 
my life story had reached a point till the last post, wherein i had resigned and was living a better life. i have a tendency to be close to people mostly from lower class, workers and labourers. my office was full of high ranked officials whom i had to "serve" but i could never feel the belonging for them. instead i developed relationship with the workers including electricians, carpenters etc who were actually the contractual staff. we used to have discussions and debates about life and the world. the most common topic was differences in "india" and "bharat" which referred to the upper and lower classes of our country. this kept things interesting at both ends but never it could turn into a debate because internally i was also on the side of "bharat". jokes, stories, news and what not. this was the most important part of my office life where i really learnt the values of life from those who are tagged "failures" in our world. with few of them, i developed a close relationship. one of them was an ambitious fellow but his background didnt allow him to move ahead. interestingly both of us shared the same birth date and even the year!!! this guy was also interested in music and we started discussing about it and then at a point he could spot that he wished to learn guitar. we bought one and he started getting his music lessons. we still talk. another interesting person was a married man having a radical mind filled up of frustrations due to the "unfair" world. but this man was deeply religious and as he knew that i was into music, he gifted me a potrait of "saraswati mata". i had understood that the only thing that he believed in life was god inspite of his view of "unfair" world. i had never remembered or understood god through any idol or portrait. but the difference in our values and beliefs didnt come in between us. i placed that portrait in my room where i practice. it keeps me connected to that time. one thing he always used to mention, when i discussed about my wish to resign, was the fact that service to parents is the most supreme act. this was something i had not thought well upon! his stories and historical references gave me an atmosphere to ponder over my role in life of my parents! i started realizing the deep love and care  that we tend to take for granted.

weeks later when i had decided to resign, my parents turned very insecure and started questioning me about what i am going to do. my "better" life was not relevant to their beliefs. one day on phone, while i was trying to uselessly clarify my decision to my father, he replied, "dont give lame clarifications, if u want to take a decision, take it urself" i wanted to take them into confidence but it was just not possible. this statement had brutally challenged me! but my concern about "taking care of parents" increased as it seemed to disturb them more! that day, i decided to be patient and believe in myself. i took a decision based on 2 pillars. one, would make overall life better from my belief system and second, i could give one year dedicatedly for building up my base in music. i thought to get into mtech the next year, my old dream!

i had accepted one thing that my last year score which was valid for 2 years would not help me secure a seat in IIT. i had also not given the test this time! a new question had come up by then! what am i going to do in life? music or research!! both were interesting and i had a level of understanding in both! i began finding out what exactly i could do in these fields! in music, understanding its intricacies in both theory and practice seemed the way ahead! while in research, it had to be practically relevant to the common man! writing long research papers of only theoretical value never interested me. i wished to somehow get connected to "bharat". so any way which i would be happy and be of service to humanity seemed to be right. i went through IIT Delhi website and came across centre of energy studies, which dealt with overall energy as a concept and also dealt with renewable energy. as i went through the website, it seemed to match with picture of research i had in my mind. it also involved physics. i went through all the curriculum. it was exactly the kind of work, i would be motivated  to do! i decided that i would apply in this dept. the next year. to check the cut-off, i checked the prospectus. to my amazement, the cut-off score for my branch was 650, lower than the core branches. as i rechecked my marks, i was just above the cut-off with 659. i had a chance! few days were left for application and i applied. the cut-off had to remain same or get down for me to be short-listed. i waited and luckily the cut-off was same as the past year. many were shortlisted and the interview was 20 days later! i picked up a relevant book that i always with to read and decided to go-through it daily at home and while traveling. waiting for the interview date was easy as i was enjoying studying while other things went on!

i started feeling too much connected with the dream. the interview day came and i reached IIT. their were 2 exceptions with me. one, that i had resigned for a PSU and second, this was the only dept. i applied in, due to which i knew well about it. as i was called in for the interview, i felt happy to be experiencing that moment. i was asked about my activity in the past year. i told about recruitment and resignation in BPCL. next was asked the cause of the same. i told that it was not adding value to my life and i had always dreamt to teach! they were doubtful. technical questions came up. i could answer them all. the last question was if i was planning to clear IES later on. i refused bluntly. this question gave me the feeling that i was in! but anything could happen.

2 days later the results were to be out. that day it was cloudy and i got in metro towards hauz khas. as i reached, it was drizzling. as i walked through IIT campus, i was filled with strange thoughts that i was experiencing for the first time. as i was getting closer to the department notice board, my heart beat rose. it seemed like a point from where two very different lives started. one of them was my dream! my heart almost sank as i looked up on the notice board. on the first page, roughly in the middle, i could spot my name. oh god! it had happened. unbelievable.

a dream had come true for me! it was not just a degree, not just a college but a big dream that only i knew. few days later, when my mother had also come to visit me, i had to submit the admission fees. we both went together. she was impressed by the architecture. we did the formalities and had our lunch in a decent canteen. i was thinking of the vast no. of books in library, practicing in music rooms in the campus, participating in various programs, hostel life and so on.

the following week i went back home and had a talk with my father. he told me that he was very happy with my decision and had recognized that there are very few people who have and listen to the inner voice rather than focusing on outer judgments. i was amazed to listen this. my only concern left was fulfilled when i heard these words from him. i remembered his last words on phone and smiled at what had happened. my mother was feeling fine with my progress but i had to show her the life of a professor and the fact that she would be taken care off, no matter what may come. and that i would have time and that she could do gardening then. in today's world, its necessary to say things which one might feel obvious. i was never so close to my parents. we share a deeper understanding and love now!
little do they know about the role of that friend in BPCL, who made me realize the highest act being service to parents. some relationships remain a secret to the world. they might have a profound impact on us!!!

many days have passed. nothing seems to fade. while i was told that grass is greener on the other side. i believed to take the step and found the flowers of my life, beautiful, serene and yes, perfect!