a loser or a winner? part 4-LIFE AFTER RESIGNATION

whenever we search for a job, we look out for CTC which is the cost to the company. i dont understand that something that is a concern of the company more, is concerning us more than anything. shouldnt we have something analogous to it like CTE (cost to employee) or CTM (cost to me) which should concern us more! i have been charged guilty in the crime of "being too ideal in a too practical world" many times. and now i have started enjoying the drama when this statement keeps running like a pre-recorded cassettee, over and over again. CTE is another expression of my idealism.

   my first interaction with industry was during my 6 months industrial training in mumbai, financial capital of india and much more. it became a big turning point of my life where my views about the future were moulded. i was developing a belief that i am not going to work in the industry. the whole experience needs another post to elaborate but one thing is worth mentioning. i developed some back problem which one day turned into severe lower back-ache which was very painful. i waited a day for it to self-heal but it seemed worsening. i approached a doctor. he prescribed some medicines which included painkiller, anti-inflammatory and antacid to counter the effect of the two. this was symptomatic treatment. it didnt work. later he asked me to come everyday for a heat treatment. he told me that "surgery" was the next step. as things were not working, i decided to take a break from the treatment and mumbai! i traveled back home by air. when i was traveling from delhi airport to bus stand, the local bus traveled through south delhi area. as it passed by IIT delhi, i remember how i dreamt to do masters there and do music in the musical city. i remember smiling all the way through delhi roads, red fort, daryaganj and so on. it was a lifetime ride. my backache didnt disturb me, contrary to my fear. it was strange. few days spent at home almost nullified the pain. as i thought about it on my way back, i was shocked by my realizations!
 
  physically, i had started sitting in office whole day. this seemed to be a factor. another important factor was my psychological well-being. office worsened the situation due its pressure and general atmosphere. my lack of interest and views about a profit-making industry never made me feel connected. secondly, a friend of mine developed odd health conditions with digestive system always being upset. being at home, i was neither sitting nor negative in thoughts. i decided to live my dream of music and research in years to come.

i had to join the job after my degree for various reasons. i am happy that i could leave fast! my ideals and views were now on the testing field. being a home tutor is a very different experience which i knew but their was more to come. as this was a replacement of my job, i always had that to compare. my per hour earning was much more but unlike office, i could not work continuously. i had to travel and the no. of classes was a choice. music is a lot more important to me. i made sure i got sufficient time to practice and didnt take much tuitions. this was the first benefit. i had gained a flexible control over my life where balancing work and life was really possible (which was never possible in my job). second benefit was that i had more time to do things of interest compared to past! i utilized my time in metro doing music exercises. slowly, i began realizing some real and deeper benifits. earlier office used to frustrate me and make me really tired. each tuition class now made me feel more fresh. i felt so much interested. i remember times when i would be feeling unwell before my class and would be walking back smiling.hence third benefit was enjoyment in work. fourth benefit was presence of best atmosphere for spirtual, psycological and physical well-being. i roamed a lot, challenged myself with new working conditions and faced the criticism of people. it gave me a break from normal life. i could better tackle my ego. rather i could see it dying. even in hot summers, i had to sometimes walk for a kilometer. it kept me so fit. facing difficult situations, strengthened me as a human. this all lead me to my final realization of this episode, the biggest benefit. it was happiness.

  i began recognizing happiness both as a state and a process and the intricacies involved. this realization made me understand lot of my doubts. the power of it was something like this. earlier in my job, 24 hours seemed to be so small, because if i added up the time i spent in repeated wasteful thoughts and actions which were to be done, it was a large part of my day. it deteriorated the quality of life. this was a demerit much bigger than CTC. but this i could only realize having tried this new life. it seemed i had only 2.4 hours a day. managing time was a herculean task at that time. and later, the peace of mind, the state of happiness and the freedom made me feel as if i had 240 hours a day. this was very much possible to manage and be efficient.

one day i got a call from a parent of my student who was living alone in delhi away from home, to prepare for engineering entrance. this call was unexpected. i was told that that their child has been happier and expresses interest in his studies. more to my surprize, i was being praised which he never showed to me. i could feel the depth of "thanks" in the voice of a relieved parent. criticisms and hard times are part of a struggle but such a human connect made me so alive that day!!!

life was much better than before! but the climax had yet to come! to be shared in the last post of this series!