a loser or a winner?-part 1

 on 4th of march, i walked into the office of my boss to give my resignation letter. it was shock for everyone and then i started to face one of the most common indian habit of "giving free advise" from people in and out of office. how fearful and limited human has become, i thought! they asked me what will i do? i told them that i will be doing music and will study further. they almost ignored the music part and asked me,"mba from where?" how low i felt in the others eyes, expressing my interest in m.tech. they would look at me as if i had gone mad! the next obvious advice was of studying abroad. the other common suggestion was to continue my job and do music. the biggest problem i felt was the fact that no one asked anything as if we all humans are just machines programmed to the same logic. as if becoming  settled and secure is only that matters!
    this was the response externally. internally, i was so sure about things. at the time of resignation, almost no one knew that i was resigning. this is possible when one is insane or is sure. i believe i am sane and sure. but sure about what? sure that happiness is what matters and it has nothing to do with how much i earn or what status i have or my possessions. sure that when i do music, i connected with my soul. sure that i can lead a worth-full life in service of others. sure that i could face the opposition from outside.
  what was i doing in my job? wasting time, and getting paid for that. i was signing bills of electricity, food. i was doing some routine jobs but nowhere i felt my existence. i felt as if any other person could do it. so having being interested in electrical engineering, i asked myself "what is the relevance of my education with my work" i couldnt get an answer as it just doesnt exist. i could see lot of people would like to have a job like me. while i was trying to balance job with music, i realized how much passionate i was and how much i can do. i have always wanted to be a teacher. it made me feel strong and office made me feel weaker and weaker. i realized that music will slowly fade out of my life as responsibilities of personal and office life increase. also as i was not doing something i am passionate about, i am going to kill my happiness, sacrifice my health and be a "wage slave". i will only have "things" left in my life which will make me further limited.
    but there were few people who could relate to what i was doing. a high ranked officer called me in his office on getting the news. to my surprise, he talked very differently that day like a friend. he told me" akash, looking at u, i remember my young days when i was energetic. how much confident i was! and how much i wished to do! but the moment i decided to settle, things started changing. unknowingly, i gave birth to fear and insecurity inside me. today, i am well-settled in eyes of the world. i look at my growth curve and feel good. but my confusion has been growing much faster. i am not able to see at all what i am doing and why? and i regret having not followed my passion" my surprise had turned into a shock by now! he gave me a great suggestion in the end," have the kill-it feeling! so that anything u do you give all your effort into it" all the free advices were outweighed by this talk. he wished me a good life ahead. as i was walking out of his office, i was imagining my future full of uncertainties and yet so beautiful. i was smiling.
   as i reached my desk, i tried to question myself. is it that grass is greener on the other side? am i just happy to run from here? have i created an illusion of the future? is it really possible to do what i wish for? how am i going to manage my funds? i had no answers then and i had already given my resignation!

  the answers will unfold in the upcoming posts! next will be part 2.